2019

a rebirth

You’ve felt a year’s worth of a cool shrug of a million blurry faces passing by as you lay lying down, standing stagnant. You’ve felt trapped in the eclipse of time between day and night until the midnight sun and the afternoon moon meet to conquer. You’ve been an extra in the movie of your life and someone pressed pause on you and play on everything else. You watched, paralyzed, as the gardenia seed you planted in the spring starts to fight the rubbles of her earth. Slowly, she peaks through the ground as if to glance around to test out the dangers of life, not quite understanding why she’s here and what she’s doing here. She says hello, but is shy and doesn’t completely come out. As the cool air turns into a warm blanket, her stalk starts to blossom, no longer shy, she tries to stand, slowly but surely. During the summer night, a hundred fleeting moments pass you and you watch as her stalk stands straight, unintentionally marking her place, her home, her birth, she starts to grow. You surround yourself in a sea of misery and then ask yourself why you feel diminished, and right then a thought occurs to you as her sepal starts to become more prominent, the sun comes and goes as the clouds hover over her nesting place, a scary thought occurs to you, what if, what if you disappeared right there and then. You’re already stuck, you’ve forgotten to move and as the rain falls down, drip, drip, drip, splash, creating a puddle in the crevice of the earth, you are masquerading your pain in a book of lies, life is happening as her stalk grows tall, gaining confidence, taking on life as her leaves start to erupt like a slow volcano. You hear school bells and children skipping, birds are chirping in the brisk autumn breeze and you see a squirrel digging a hole for his nuts, daylight turns into darkness, it is too good to be true, too good to be true to be under a blanket of stars. The sun comes out to play before you get a chance to make a wish and her petals fight their way into the light, and there she is. An honest beauty, but rays turn into rain, and rain turns into snow, you can’t let yourself be swept away in the beauty of her existence, and her pale yellow petals are now covered in a layer of snow, her stalk withered to nothing but a shell of a corpse. And there you are, as still as you once were, you let yourself be swept away and now you are broken, paralyzed, forever standing still as life happens. You reflect on the life that has passed and yet nothing has changed even though everything has changed. This is where you are, did you want this? Did you ask for this? Do you deserve this? What is left of you loosens, you start to walk towards your fairytale story of castles and prince charming, you take the long cut because you haven’t breathed fresh air in forever, you slowly start to pace yourself and then you run, you run faster than you’ve ever run, you’re running away and running towards something, an object, its vague and yet its clear, nothing but a mirror, nothing but a reflection, nothing but the truth, you are me, and I am you. And as the sun creeps in, I see the green sepal fight the same battle once again, as it rises from its corpse, this is her rebirth, her second chance. It’s our rebirth, my rebirth, my second chance. 

~

As 2018 comes to an end, I reflect on not only the past year, but the past few years of my life that I’ve meshed together and claimed as the worst two years of my life. And although I don’t feel changed in the physical definition of the word, there is a fire rekindled within, and that is a change I can’t describe even if I tried. This is what 2018 taught me, a year in review: 

1. Fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with anyone else
2. Mistakes can be a good thing, learn from them and then move on
3. Everything is a phase, everything will pass, even the hard moments 
4. Time will heal most wounds, but not all
5. Things don’t always go according to plan, so learn to be adaptable
6. Be spontaneous
7. Family first, always
8. Sometimes the walls you put up to keep out scary monsters also keep out good people 
9. Be in tune with your body, your femininity, if you feel there is something wrong, listen to it
10. A healthy body is a healthy soul, start taking care of yourself now 
11. Idea’s come at night and in the showers, and execution comes in the morning
12. Life is better with a playlist playing in the background (invest in AirPods)
13. Bike more, it makes you happy 
14. Friends come in all ages, from different backgrounds 
15. There is so much to learn, but focus on one thing at a time, you can’t do it all, even if you think you can
16. Not every day is going to be a great day, some days are just average
17. Social media is not real life
18. Budgeting is important 
19. It only takes 21 days to change a habit
20. Too much time alone can be a dangerous thing 
21. Smile more, and laughter is the best remedy for anything 
22. Don’t rush, enjoy the moment 
23. It’s okay to let go of the people who keep you down
24. Be yourself, be unapologetically yourself, even if that’s changing every day
25. Starting something different is scary but worth it
26. Clutter can be a bad thing, get organized
27. Don’t give up, even if they laugh at you
28. Friendships can grow apart, but they can grow back together
29. Forgive yourself
30. Be patient with yourself and with others, not everyone moves at the same pace as you do
31. Follow your dreams, no matter how absurd, but remember that dreams require sacrifice 
32. Women supporting women can be a wonderful thing
33. It’s okay to ask for help
34. It’s okay to put yourself first 
35. Get out of your comfort zone
36. Slow down and pay attention to the details, use that to write 
37. Connect with your emotions 
38. Don’t wait for an apology to forgive someone 
39. Procrastination is your enemy
40. You can create the life you want
41. Just because you’re a good person, doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen to you 
42. You are worth it
43. Working hard doesn’t mean working smart
44. Disconnect to reconnect, pick up the phone and call people, set up plans
45. Never walk away from someone angry
46. Don’t let the little things get to you
47. Your gut is always right
48. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else
49. Surround yourself with people who dream big, and work with talented and brilliant people 
50. Girl talk is important
51. You’re going to feel lost and that’s okay 
52. Invest in experiences, not things, so travel more

It’s funny how the first day of the year flirts with us and promises us a better life, a new beginning, “trust me” she says, and we do. We take time out of our day to look for the perfect outfit and then book appointments to style our perfect self so that when we finally meet, we are spontaneously different and forever changed. She flirts with us with her countdowns, and her fireworks and we fall for her every move. And even when we think we’re immune to her coy, we somehow manage to fall into the new year resolutions and new diet fabs while she dates other people in secret and tells them the exact same thing, “I believe in you” she says when we fail, and she gives us the promise of tomorrow, the promise of another day to restart. January 1st, the first day of the year represents different things to different people, but more often than not, it represents forgiveness and a second chance. We really don’t need a set date on the calendar to decide to reset and change something about ourselves, we can break a habit, or go to the gym, or read a book any time of the year. We don’t need a date to make that happen, but somehow we always fall for her charms, the first day of the year, after all, there are fireworks. And its so easy to want so many things for 2019, and I can create a list that will go on for days, but what I really want? What I really want is for me to hone who I really am, I’ve done the searching, I’ve done the experimenting, I know who I am, who I want to be, what I want to achieve, and this year is the year where I go after it, and believe it or not, I’m going to be ruthless. 

Mardin
1/1/2019